Dancing with the Stars

I've never really been into this show, but I thought I'd check out tonight's premiere on ABC. (The last time I semi-saw it, Mario Lopez was dancing his way into Karina Smirnoff's heart only to cha cha all over it later, but now she's recently engaged to fellow pro dancer Maksim Chmerkovskiy so take that Slater!) I'm already falling off the wagon with American Idol (sorry!) so maybe this could fill in that reality TV void it will surely leave behind. Though I doubt it.

Lil' Kim- Even though she did dance to "Nasty" in the skimpiest outfit, I don't think I've seen her this classy. Judges say she "has potential." Score: 21

Belinda Carlisle- Totally missed this performance because I was giving Toby a bath. But apparently she could use some improvement. Score: 17

Lawrence Taylor- Aww remember when the other football player was on the show seasons ago? I liked him. Guys have it easier in this competition for sure. Judges say "you need to get a little more on the offense." Score: 16 (I'm seeing a trend here.)

Steve-O- Steve Uh Oh is more like it because that's what I thought when I heard he was going to bust a move here. Another uh oh: Johnny Knoxville and Wee Man in the audience. I almost expect them to bum rush the fool in the middle of his number. Aww look at him try to waltz...I'm sorry, but I can't take him seriously! And of course he had to add his little flair at the end. I give him A for effort though :) Judges say "I admire that you came out fully committed and didn't jacka$$ it up. I expected much, much worse so well done." "I was oddly mesmerized by the beauty and the weirdness." Score: 17

Gilles Marini- He was in Sex and the City? In a shower scene?? Why don't I remember you AT ALL?! Oh wait, never mind, that's because you were in the movie (the single naked man who tempted Samantha while living in the beach house next to hers). Also, Cheryl rocks. Judges say "Clothes off or clothes on, you sure know how to strut your stuff." Score: 24

*WAIT! This thing is two hours?! Why?? Trickery, I tell ya!

Chuck Wicks- Apparently this country singer is dating his pro dancer so will this bring them closer together or tear them apart? Who knows?! Who cares?! Judges say "I thought you were going to strangle her so you have to calm down a bit." Score: 20

*Boo to Jewel and anchor Nancy O'Dell for getting injured. I'm sure we'll see Jewel throughout the season as she'll be cheering her husband Ty Murray on.

Holly Madison- It's one of the Girls Next Door! With less than a week to prepare (she's Jewel's stand-in)...ugh I'm sorry. I can't even finish my thought. This rendition of Lady Gaga's "Just Dance" is awful! Judges say "I think you've got a lot of charisma and you definitely go for those moves." "There is hope my darling. Keep working hard." Score: 18

Ty Murray- "When you're a cowboy and you go on Dancing with the Stars, you hear from a lot of old buddies you hadn't heard from in a while." I bet. Ooh, he's not bad at all. Ok, a little confused, but I might like. Or maybe it's just the song. Nice finish! Jewel watch out. "It looked more like an army drill more than the cha cha cha. There's always next week." "I think you're one cute cowboy. I like that you were able to let go." Score: 14 (Owie.)

Shawn Johnson- At 17, she's their youngest contestant yet and an Olympic gold medalist. I wonder if she's going to pull crazy stunts on the dance floor. If not, I'm not interested. Well she knows a thing or two about grace. And at least she's wearing something semi-decent here. Ooh! Well she's clearly going to show off her flexibility skills and I don't blame her. Work it, girl! Judges say "For a young little one you have the power to move people. Nice footwork." "Surprisingly refined for someone so young." Score: 23 (Wowie.)

Steve Wozniak- Ooh, Apple co-founder! Sweet. "I want to prove that nerds can dance." We'll see. Can I just say Karina's outfit is so fierce (read: revealing) I almost hate her for being able to pull it off. Judges say "The good news is it held my attention throughout...but overall it was a disaster." "It was like watching a Teletubby go mad at a gay pride parade." "You made people want to cheer for you like, 'Yeah! Do it! Get it!' And you made it through the end." Score: 13 (Take a bow, the night is over...)

David Alan Grier- I think he's going to get on her nerves with his constant "comic genius." Or maybe that's just me. Haha, he's "fighting dirty, whatever it takes to win." Bring it. Then maybe I'll keep watching. Dude has the only smile plastered on his face. Nice job though! No hand fumbles or anything. Judges say "I saw five different characters out there. First you're smiling, then you're grumpy, then you're happy. I know you're multi talented, but you have to be careful with the face." "You're so expressive with your face it tends to distract us from your body." "Your bum sticks out a bit." Score: 19

Denise Richards- Oy vey. There's already drama with these two. "Denise needs to stop apologizing. She's already feeling the pressure." "I just feel so stupid sometimes." Wah, wah. Man up and shake it. She can do a split?! Note to self: start stretching so someday you could touch your toes. Judges say "You looked terrified out there. And it's confusing because you have great potential. I'm proud of you." "You've got it all, don't you? But you don't know what to do with it." Score: 18

Melissa Rycroft- The step-in for Nancy. And they only started rehearsing two days ago! Yipers. I didn't see The Bachelor last Monday (or any Monday for that matter), but I know that fool did her sooo wrong. His loss! Aww, "Moonriver." Very graceful considering how little time she had to practice. Judges say "When one door closes another one opens. The Bachelor's loss is Dancing with the Stars' gain." "I don't know about your bachelor guy, but he's a LOSER. It was like watching a beautiful bird about to take off. You're off! You're off!' "You're just a beautiful dancer." Score: 23

Dorkys Ramos- Survives watching this semi-cheesy show. Wonders if she should tune in next week. Judges say "We almost lost you a couple times in the beginning, but you pulled through. You've shown such bravery tonight." "The way you sat on that couch and blogged about the show was so moving, so graceful. You're absolutely timeless." Score: 30

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