There are times when a relationship becomes so tough that you have no clue if you should break things off or stay and fight through the hard times. "Relationships that are oppressive and don't let you live are not worth it," says psychologist Ana Nogales. "But relationships that, even when there is some kind of difficulty, help you mature, grow and expand, those are probably worth it." Read on for her relationship advice on four common situations. Have you ever been completely confused about what your next step should be?Image: blogthecoast.com
Yes. And I think the most difficult tangle is the concept that if you stay, the changes you desire or require really are THERE, in the future. I think, in the end, the most important aspect to review is this:
ReplyDeleteIs the person I'm in the relationship with truly interested in my best interest, my growth, and my development? If they are invested in who I become as a person and not just who I become to them in this relationship, then it's worth working through the hard times.
This is sometimes very hard to distinguish - do they care about my best interests and growth or are they just interested in who I can be for them? While this is one and the same, SOMETIMES, there is a difference.
I realized this important factor when I began dating Hubs. It was something I wanted for him and not what I wanted FROM him. I also felt it from him, that he wanted me to be the best person he saw that I could be, help me examine my faults (very few, I assure you), ask questions about how I've always done things, thought about things, etc. I, in turn, helped him see that it wouldn't be beneficial for him to walk over dead strangers in the street.
:)
Great post. I think its interesting how the two can get confused, like one where person is oppressive and the other where the person is actually helping you to be a better you but you are fighting it because of some destructive pattern. I've been in a relationship where I thought I had to keep fighting for the relationship when it was oppressive, it was rough and very difficult to detach from. I've also been in relationships, where they help me to become a better me by showing me how ridiculous i'm being about something, etc. I think the best relationship (romance wise) is where the other person accepts you for you. This is becoming a harder and harder question as I write! lol
ReplyDeleteI thought I saw an article by my favorite Latina writer in the lastest issue. :)
ReplyDeleteI don't know nuttin' about relationships. Dogs, yes... people of the opposite sex... not much.
Yeah, loads of times. In 7 years of marriage, I think he's either walked out or been thrown out about a dozen times, and many an argument has ended with both of us asking why we bother sticking around.
ReplyDeleteBut then we both calm down and I unlock the door so he can get back in, and then we have the fun of making up.
What can I say? Relationships are never perfect, and there will be arguments. The key is to work through them. Or, at the very least, try to work through them.
Debating whether I should stay or go pretty much plagued my last relationship. I was always so confused and worried about the future, about whether it'd last that I completely let my head/anxiety override whatever I felt in my heart.
ReplyDeleteAnd though I've come a long way from that, I admit that I still have a tendency to believe that a tiny, little argument is more than it is. Just because we have a disagreement doesn't mean that we're going to break-up and he's helped me understand that just because we have blip every now and then at this stage, it doesn't necessarily mean that our relationship is faulty from the start. It's just bound to happen when you spend so much time with each other.
We talk it out, we figure out where the issue lies and we move on fairly quickly. But I'm still trying and learning how to fully let things go and trust that the love is there no matter what. A good partner is someone who forces you to face your own faults, motivates you to constantly improve, admires your positive qualities and is always there to push you to your best self despite how hard those things can sometimes be.
And once the trust is there, it's good when the person recognizes when you're acting up and calls you on it. I know I try to sabotage things sometimes, I worry too much, I think too much and that tends to snowball. Luckily, I've come to notice when I'm doing it even if it takes me a bit to stop myself. And A., well he doesn't take that kind of crap and will snap me right back to reality. As weird as it might sound, I like that he can tell me when I'm acting stupid (even if I give him a stink attitude when he does so) and won't cater to it.
I like being accepted as I am, but I also like knowing that he motivates me to be better than I am. I know I can improve in so many facets, but I often need a push to do something about it. And, of course, I try to do the same for him.
Once you realize that you're only keeping each other down and are having more bad days than good, I think that's when it's time to go. I learned that hard way.