I used to find it thrilling, the not knowing. To me, it was like a giant puzzle that only handed me a piece at a time. I could only build with what I was already given, but tomorrow's bit could change the entire picture. When I was young, I loved the notion that my life could change at any moment. Now? I find myself wanting maps and direction so I can plan accordingly and not get caught out in the rain. Maybe it's because in my mind, "you're 30" still means "you're stable." It means that after three decades on this planet, you've finally figure it out. Right.
It doesn't help that my decisions are often contingent on others' decisions. I let my life become so intertwined with those I love that I need them to lay out all their puzzle pieces alongside mine so that then I can figure out what to make of things, to see if I can allow myself to do the things I want. Imagine that! I can't figure out what my picture looks like and here I am expecting others to have their ish together for my benefit. Most of my friends can't even commit to plans a week from now. Everyone walks their own path at their own pace yet it's hard for me not to adjust my trajectory due to someone else's. Too many times I've found myself holding back, staying here, missing that because I was too afraid and too insecure to live those moments on my own. It's as if my own compass points to everyone else's north and I'm left roaming around in circles, utterly confused. A cacophonous thumping mess as I try to fit everyone's drum beats inside my head.
Luckily, I have people who help me keep my head on my shoulders. Who are gently guiding me back, who dole out honest questions with kindness, who tell me it's imperative that I put myself first.
I have much decluttering to do.
It's so strange, but this quote and the sentiment behind it keep appearing in my life in different, unexpected ways. I like that. I think I am in a time of loving and living the questions, but that doesn't mean I don't want answers because I so do. The odd thing about me is how I deal with the unknown: I plan. My plans are never rigid, but I'd rather make a date with a friend and then have to change things than never make the date at all. I'm flexible to the flow of life, but I don't simply want to sit back and be inactive. When living the questions, I think it's important to remain active but flexible, like a fish swimming in a river.
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