Depression is a beast that refuses to die long after you've killed it. Not only does it call you over from time to time offering its sick temptations, but it also lives on the ripples you both caused when you traveled through those murky waters together.When you're depressed you may understand the science behind it, but none of it matters because you cannot grasp why and how you fell into that ditch. In your mind, you're just broken machinery. I don't know what's worse: knowing something isn't right inside without knowing how to get better or being completely off your rocker yet blissfully ignorant. I think being aware - and thus completely analytical - of the situation only perpetuated my condition. Yes, I knew to avoid certain settings, to prepare for random attacks and to keep pills out of the house because I was too afraid of trusting myself. I knew I was too smart to ever attempt such a thing, but then if I was so smart, why couldn't I overcome this? To me, one was just a hop, skip and a jump out of a window from the other.
People offer words of advice, pity, consolation and endless time, but unless they've been there themselves, how could they possibly understand what you're going through? How can they see you go from happy to sobbing mess in a matter of minutes and understand that's how triggers work - without warning or reason? You assume no one does so you decide to fight your battle alone. Plus, you feel like you're always in someone's way, imposing somehow. Every other sentence is followed by an apology. "I'm sorry I called." "I'm sorry, I just need to go home." "I'm sorry I can't celebrate with you." "I'm sorry I feel this way."
It sucks to want to be happy for someone but be incapable of showing any ounce of it. You try faking it, but ultimately the bitterness comes along much more easily. "Stop being a hater," they say. So you back off. Why cloud up their day with your dreary existence? And why torment yourself with their cruel sunshine when you're not willing or ready to bask in it?
Some friends will continue to seek you out while others simply stop trying and wondering why you can't just "snap out of it." You can't force anyone to stick around. All you can do is hope that those who supported you through the bad are still with you when you make it out on the other end - and forgive you for the hell you just put them through. Because you never do stop feeling sorry.
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I know the feeling all too well. I have been there and I get it. I know this comment won't change the way you feel but perhaps it might be somewhat comforting to know you're not alone and you're not crazy for feeling this way.
ReplyDeleteStopping by from SITS to say Hi!
ReplyDeleteI am adding you so I can come back & read more!
Please stop by!
http://extremepersonalmeasures.blogspot.com
Real friends will always stick around and know that it isn't easy to just snap out of it. Lord knows it would be great if it were! Let me know if you ever need to talk.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Joy! This is actually all in retrospect. I'm not having a relapse :)
ReplyDeleteIagree with what Joy said. I haven't battled with depression, but I have battled with cancer. And a lot of what you describe about always apologizing was always there. Hang in there and... you NEVER need to apologize. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThis makes me think of that commerical...where does depression hurt? Everywhere. Who does it hurt? Everyone.... And it is so true. When we become unbalanced in our minds, our lives become unbalanced and sometimes it is easier just to be depresesed. Never fun, but easier.
ReplyDeleteOh it is SO much easier than fighting through every minute of the day. That crap becomes exhausting.
ReplyDeleteAnd this may sound bad, but I always smile at that Cymbalta commercial. I mean just saying it sounds good. I'm sure that was the point.
Zoloft's another one with it's cute little furry cartoon character.
I know the feeling, and think that was very well put.
ReplyDelete*Hugs*
Great article, I forward it to a friend!
ReplyDeleteThis is really very good.
ReplyDeleteI thought this was a lovely post. Just read a passage from THE POETICS OF THE EVERYDAY by Siobhan Phillips connected to this:
ReplyDelete"The topic of common living may seem too slight to bear this freight; can it matter so much, one might well ask, how or even if one gets up in the morning? The poetics of everyday time resists such indifference by presenting ordinary life as significant drama: in this writing, quotidian existence cannot be ignored or underestimated."
Thank you, I need to see this...
ReplyDeleteBeen there done that got the tshirt - it was so bad a month ago that even my loyalist readers were sending me pity party invites - But as happens -all it took was one change in routine and all felt different - the cloud lifted and the scowl ran away. Life is looking better. They tell me it is because of the long winter here, but I have endured these patches all my life - even when I lived in sunny countries. Well written - hit the mark.
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