Oh Baby...

I just got back from a close friend's baby shower and a huge chunk of me still cannot believe that my friends can now have kids and it'd be perfectly acceptable. To me, we're still those goody two-shoe high schoolers who'd call home as soon as they realized the train was running late. In my mental time warp we were permanent teenagers.

But tonight, after seeing my friend pregnant for the first time (she lives several states away), it dawned on me: we're bonafide adults. We're living in our mid-20s and heading straight for 30 in just a few more years (four to be exact). People are getting married left and right and kids are popping up all over the place. I can barely keep up with the "Congrats on your baby [enter gender]" cards. Last Sunday, I saw my two cousins and their 4- and 5-month-old babies for the first time as well (apparently no New Yorkers are procreating). The way my cousin would glance at her son was just undescribable. It was like they were in their own little world where everything is said without any need for words. Like taking a glimpse into something sacred and one where you can only sit there and watch. And just from looking at them you could tell that there is no greater love in the world than that which exists between parent and child.

I want to feel that someday.

Now, I know I'll be the first to shoot down anybody's hope of seeing me with child everrrrr and I'll yell from the mountaintops how much I do not want kids any. time. soon. As well as the fact that I'd adopt a child much sooner than I'd bake a bun in my own oven. But after seeing my friend tonight and how happy and proud she was to be having this little girl in three months, how could I not toy with the possibility of someday having one too?

It's like that feeling you get when you're very much single or very much not getting married soon and you go to a wedding. You can cry independent woman all you want, but at the end of the day you want to feel what those two at the altar feel when they say, "I do."

And it's events like these that plant those little seeds in your head. And it's not necessarily a bad thing if it causes you to realize that maybe you're just in denial or being overly cautious for whatever reason (don't want to be disappointed if it doesn't happen for you). I know it's made me realize that I've never allowed myself to comfortably consider marriage or children as a possibility because I don't want to get my hopes up and have them not happen for me.

I know many girls who've planned out their whole wedding day while I have to turn away whenever I pass a bridal shop. I guess I've been mostly scared of letting myself wish for something and be let down. But you know what? If it can happen for somebody else - actually many-body else - then why not me? Last time I checked, I was pretty awesome.

So I'm finally being honest with myself: I want to get married and I want to have kids. And not necessarily in that order.