While the idea of this glowing Zenful Dorkys suddenly emerging from this batch of bullshit like a lotus in the swamp sounds lovely, let's be real. I'm not about to contort my body into pretzel poses under the sun or start toasting with wheatgrass shots for good health. A vegan lifestyle sounds as appealing as a jog through the frigid cold at 5 in the morning and if I can't enjoy a glass of Riesling or a juicy burger when I'm out with my friends, then you might as well just go ahead and hook a perma-IV to my arm.
To be honest, it also feels silly and clichéd to ride on the coattails of cancer and completely turn my life around simply because I've been diagnosed. Plus, it's hard to bust out all doot-doo-doo! with my superhero cape flying in the wind when inside I feel more like a womp, womp wreck. My stubbornness is also what keeps me from buying into the Sudden Metamorphosis scenario. I refuse to have cancer steal my thunder in any subsequent self-improvement that might occur and Lord help anyone twisted enough to say that this was some sort of gift that changed my life for the better.
When my iPhone broke its face making out with the pavement yesterday, I spewed out a cocktail of vulgarities before finally trying to reason with myself. "Okay Dorkys, it really sucks that you'll have to pay a lot to get the screen replaced, but isn't it better than the $5,622 the hospital was trying to charge you for Friday's surgery?" Psh, better believe I still fumed for most of the day.
When will the natural tendency to let things go kick in? And how can I be calm, forgiving, and wanting to take on the world when I'm still so angry and sad about what's happening to me? "Be a badass." A. said to me today. "Life sucks and can really fuck you up sometimes, but you have to be better than that. You have to be a bigger badass than life."
I wonder what will be left standing in my place when all the dust settles down: a badass or just bad luck personified?
P.S. Here's A.'s take on our new motto.
just read through all of your recent posts and i am so inspired by your choice to face cancer just as you are, rather than faking a big life change from all of it. i am sure the change will come, and you will report it as it does. good luck and happy 2013!
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Dorkys I was just catching up on your blog and read about your diagnosis. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this but one thing for sure.... you will definitely be the badass when the dust settles! No doubt about that. Please let me know if you ever need anything.
ReplyDeleteDarling, I'm just catching up and am so shocked right now. I can't believe you have to go through this, but I've no doubt that you're going to fight it like a champion and come out on top. I truly believe in the power of the body to heal itself, and I think that listening to your inner wisdom so often is the best beginning on that journey. I am so here for you, however you might need me to be. Sending you lots of love.
ReplyDeleteIts trite - but don't let the simple stuff get ya down - the way life is - there will always be some "minor" inconvenience popping up to screw up your day - and maybe, just maybe - someday - I'll figure out a graceful way to deal with it myself.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are on the path to wellness - I think of you each day.