I just wanted to say thanks so much for all the kind words of support I've received via comments, emails, and messages. It's so sweet to know that there are people who care, from those who've known me my entire life and people whom I've yet to meet in person. You're all awesome.
It's weird, but in talking with friends over the last couple days and being asked what it is that's making me feel this way, I've realized that I don't even know anymore. Insecurities and resentments perhaps? (Though the girls seem to think women are just hard-wired for the dramatics.) Lord knows. Over the last couple of years things seem to have improved so much on the outside, but inside I had just set things on simmer, sometimes acting as if everything was okay so I wouldn't have to deal with stuff. Fake it 'til you make it so to speak. So obviously when a little spark sends everything to a boil, I can't suppress these feelings anymore. I think I justified those moments with the fact that hey, at least the scales are tipped in the positive direction more often than not these days.
So here I am like I've been countless times before, contemplating and acting upon next steps. To those who've stood where I do, who have been successful, and who are still struggling through the mist, I admire you for not giving in. A good friend of mine shared a quote with me yesterday while we lunched under the trees of Bryant Park that I hope speaks to you as it did to me:
"You could not step twice into the same river; for other waters are ever flowing on to you." (Heraclitus)
Whenever you feel like you're back in the same spot you were before, look around you. While you were busy climbing, stumbling, and getting back up, everything was changing along with you. That spot you now find yourself in has been affected by the passage of time, the people who've entered or left your life, and by the bounty of experiences you've gathered in your arms along the way. Hopefully these changes translate into strength to push just a little further each time around.
Image: cinemagraphs.com
I love this picture and how the man's newspaper pages change.
ReplyDeleteAs for the ever flowing river analogy, time moves on and waits for no (wo)man - but rivers have backwaters and eddies... the whirling in an eddy might seem to bring the same things back to view - over and over.
In any event, you have a lot of supporters that care about you - and its not because ALL them are crazy...
OMG cool HarryPotter-esque pivture.
ReplyDeleteAlso I hope you know that I'm here if you need anything. Sometimes I cant find the right words to say but I do care and im looking out for you, even if its through dry as toast.
intense guy, I like your little expansion on the quote. If someone's standing in backwaters, that sounds like they're just stuck there with nothing to push them forward. I believe there's only so much you can expect of your surroundings or the people around you because if you see that after so long absolutely nothing has changed about your situation, it's on you to step out of the mud.
ReplyDeletedariany, thanks so much little cousin! It was so nice seeing you last weekend and methinks I need to host another little dinner party for us to spend some more time together.