Because taking my breast cancer medication means I can't get pregnant for the next four years, I find myself thinking about children a lot. I wonder if I'll have a boy or a girl. I wonder what we'll end up naming them. Will I have one or try for two? Mostly I wonder if I'll have any issues trying to conceive at the age of 36.
When my oncologist said I could look into freezing my eggs to use after my treatment is complete, I knew that wasn't really an option for me. When you have student loans to pay off, medical bills stacking up, dreams and a savings account to fund, that leaves little money left for a gamble. It costs $10,000 to $15,000 to harvest and freeze a batch of eggs, $500 to keep storing them each year, and then another few thousand to undergo in vitro fertilization. Conception is not guaranteed. Adoption fees are also no small investment either so it brings up the question: how badly do I want a child?
It's a discussion that A. and I have had a few times. We both agree that we don't want to go broke in order to have a baby, but who knows how we'll feel years from now. If you ask any of the elders in my family, they'll say the same thing: your life isn't complete until you have a child. The mentality is frightening especially when you consider folks who've had kids when they could barely sustain their own lives or that welfare is their answer to my hesitance over the financial burden.
Whether it's money spent to conceive or money spent to raise a child, I don't want to go into debt for this, but I still dream of holding our child in my arms, teaching them all we know, and watching them grow and play in this world. Would I be okay if I discovered that I couldn't conceive? Probably. I'd be sad, but I also hope I could grow to accept that fact, consider alternatives that are within my means, and live on. A. keeps joking about the two of us becoming DINKs (dual income, no kids) to which I reply absolutely not. At least I'm not ready to throw in the towel before the races have even begun. We'll see how our story plays out down the line and hope that our toughest decision is simply agreeing on a baby name.
What about you? How hard would you try to have a child? Would you invest all you could into making your dream happen?
P.S. "Do you find you are not yet ready to obliterate any chance you have left to enjoy life to its fullest? Then try Not Having Kids!"
And have you met Theo and Beau? If not, here's their story (and how they're growing up so fast). Aren't they the cutest things ever?
Image: instagram.com
I have no idea what my feelings are at this point. I would love to get pregnant naturally. I don't think I will go through IVF. It just seems like such a gamble. But adoption is also a different sort of gamble and stress. Will the adoption go through? Will the agency say, "oh, you were sick? Sorry!" Do we even have the money for that? It's not cheap (not that children should be cheap!) either.
ReplyDeleteThank you for also voicing ambivalence!
Yeah, I don't think it's something we can know or decide on for sure until you're in it.
DeleteIt's funny because I've always just assumed I wouldn't be able to have my own kids and would choose adoption. But I completely agree with you that I am not willing to go broke in order to do it. It just requires some careful financial planning. But I really don't think I would go through the pain, uncertainty, and expense of in vitro. There are just too many unknowns.
ReplyDeleteNot just the physical pain of in vitro, but also the emotional pain every time a cycle doesn't take. That's a lot for a person to go through. At the same time, I'm sure it's an unbelievable feeling to defy your body's natural behavior and get what you wanted.
DeleteI suspect any child you and A have, would be exposed to a lot of adventure in life - and always encouraged to excel. You would be a good mom if it should happen.
ReplyDeleteI "lent" my brother thousands of dollars (it's never come back) for him to have his "little girl" (she is now a college fresh-person). The impact she has had on his life is immeasurable. I might never see the money again, but I don't really care that much.
Oh wow, that's amazing of you! I'm sure you're so so proud of her as you've watched her grow up. I'm sure she's paid that investment back in other invaluable ways.
DeleteI want kids. Always have, always will. But because SP and I both have sickle cell trait, we've got that to worry about when the time comes. I'm actually going to seek out genetic testing soon to re-confirm both of our sickle cell status and if we both have the trait, then there's a 1 in 4 chance an offspring of ours will have the disease =/
ReplyDeleteIs there a way to test the embryo for the disease or is it a matter of wait and see with sickle cell? And have you talked about your options or would you go for it and hope the odds are in your favor?
DeleteI have an opinion on this topic, AFTER I've had kids..and by default, that really gives me no basis for which to have my opinion considered. BUT...I'd like to think I'd have come to this conclusion on my own, even if I hadn't conceived Turner, and the others. Having experienced the mid-20 urge to think I needed children to feel as if I'd been fulfilled, I'd have liked my mid-30 self to visit and chat about that so-called need. Did I enjoy pregnancy? Yes. Do I enjoy my children? Yes. Do I now know I could have experienced and enjoyed a whole myriad of other things and still be here today feeling fulfilled? Yes. It's probably not something I can say out loud to most people with kids, but it's an honest assessment. I won't give the buggers back, that's for sure, but life has a way of twisting and turning to make your life your own. As your twists unfold before you, just attack them with energy and joy, as you always do. :)
ReplyDeleteSome tough choices for you, and I'm sure you'll handle them as best you can. I went through five years of infertility before having my child at 38. I think the one thing I regret is not going to a fertility clinic sooner to get the relevant blood tests that showed up my problems (thyroid, endometriosis). My advice is as soon as you have the all clear get thee to a good one! Onestepatatime.co.za
ReplyDeleteI have met theo and beau and they really are the cutest thing ever. :)
ReplyDeleteWhat a hard thing to have to weigh. I know I'd go a long, long ways to have a child (I have three), but I think and hope that I could find peace (eventually) no matter the situation. Best wishes!
Sounds like you're coming at it the right way, and have the right thought processes going on. Here's hoping it good news once treatment's over and you do have your own child.
ReplyDeleteFor me, I never really saw myself with a child, but then I got to 33 and realised that although I couldn't see myself with one 'now', I'd really regret when older and past it, not having tried. But if we'd not fallen pregnant and had our son, then I think we'd have been happy with the 6 nephews and niece we have, and would have known we'd given it a try and it wasn't to be. But not having been broody beforehand makes a big difference.
(I'm definitely with you on being ready, financially and stable. I can't imagine wanting a child so badly that you'd give up everything, including the stability that a child and family needs, to have one).