Things I'm Afraid to Tell You

When Ez Pudewa of the blog Creature Comforts tweeted a call out for bloggers willing to reveal something personally difficult to their readers, I jumped in. I didn't know all the rules, but I knew it'd be a good push for me to be more authentic with you guys while also helping me push past some of my own fears and boundaries. When I dove into Dry As Toast after my breakup in 2008, I was a ball of emotions, struggling, and dealing with so many issues that needed to burst out. Some of you saw me through those dark days until I slowly came out of it smiling, more optimistic, and a bit more sure-footed, but I've also felt myself fall into this trap of solely blogging quick and happy snippets instead of sharing thoughts and ideas that would truly allow you to connect with me. I admit, Dry As Toast had turned into a "lovely little blog."

Inspired by Jess Constable's post about the things she's afraid to tell her readers, Ez has gathered up a group of bloggers who've decided to the same with theirs (check out the growing list here). It's a bit scary to remove the mask you've come to build for yourself. A part of me wants people to think I no longer get depressed, that I've gained back all the weight I lost years ago, that I'm healthy, that I no longer hurt myself, and that everything's A-OK, but that would be a lie. I still get incredibly anxious in social situations (and just life in general), I still get dizzy spells because I don't eat enough, and I haven't been able to stop the scratching. So I welcomed this push to share a few more things I've been afraid to tell you.

I'm afraid of how strongly the wish to have a child has suddenly swept in. For so long it'd been "not me, not now" and then whoosh! I might have gotten emotional about it a few times and find myself talking about raising kids with A. fairly often - too often perhaps. And even though I'm in a relationship that's fun as is and know I should take my time because I'm just not prepared for that responsibility quite yet, I still feel a tinge of jealousy when yet another person shares their engagement or pregnancy on Facebook. It almost makes my heart hurt how much I want those things, too, because I'm scared that it might not happen for me.

I worry that I'm not a good enough writer and that everyone else around me is infinitely more talented than I am. When it comes to this field, comparing yourself to your colleagues is pointless because everyone takes such different routes, but it happens. I'm also unsure when it comes to my financial future, am so not prepared for an emergency, and am a little insecure about my income being drastically less than my boyfriend's. I say it isn't an issue and it really isn't when it comes to the day-to-day, but when I let my mind go to future stuff, it bugs me to think that I might not ever bring in as much as he would or be able to save enough to buy a house and feel financially stable. At 30, I'm still terrible at managing my money and haven't been able to get my only debt, that damn Sallie Mae, off my back.

And here's the one that has me hyperventilating and second-guessing my wanting to share this at all, but also one I've gone back and forth on ever revealing for over a year now. Over the last five years, and more so in the last couple, I've found myself attracted to some women. It's a curiosity that has been exciting to explore with A. but also scary to admit around certain people. I've been guarding that side out of fear of being judged, talked about, or worse, have girlfriends feeling like I'm going to start hitting on them out of the blue. I wish I could be the liberated and open-minded woman that lurks inside no matter what circle of friends these topics come up in and have it not matter, but off-putting comments by those who don't know have made me think twice about ever being that honest when it comes to sex - even if I'm secretly offended by the things they say.

I've shunned the label "bisexual" opting for the softer "bicurious" instead and still get uncomfortable when A. casually throws it my way. Maybe because I don't want to attach anything permanent to who I am or perhaps because I'm still figuring out my own comforts and prejudices against the title. If I only want and seek relationships with men, but get turned on by women and full-on girl crushes that have me gushing about her to A., then what does that make me? Does it even matter? All I know is that curiosity and intrigue is definitely there and I only wish I were brave enough to embrace that this is just a part of who I am. Take me or leave me.

Now go on and read all the bravery floating through today. Maybe you'll also want to share the things you've been keeping to yourself, too. It might be terrifying at first (I just spent more than an hour "editing" this post just to talk myself into publishing it), but hopefully you'll feel lighter and a bit more genuine once you do.

Image: courtesy of Ez Pudewa