I Have a YouTube Channel!

On Instagram this morning, I shared that I've been binging on art lately and my creative soul has been craving other nutrients. I've been so focused on painting (I have an art portfolio showcase next weekend and for that you sorta, kinda need an art portfolio to begin with) that my writer side has been left undernourished when I know full well that it also plays an important role in my happiness. I've always needed both to feel satisfied, but here's a glimpse of where my life has been skewing these days:

And honestly, I love it. I love that I have the time to make art, share art, discover and get to know other artists, and that I'm growing more comfortable with calling myself an artist. In December, a painting of mine was accepted into an exhibition at a local gallery (my first!) and it was auctioned off and sent to (what I hope is) a good home. Since then, I've become even bolder about making connections to exhibit my art in other places, entering showcases, and submitting to callouts for artists. I need to work on a couple of manuscripts for children's books and can't wait to learn more about the industry at next week's Society of Children's Book Writers and Illustrators conference here in New York City.

While I've had to fight off impostor syndrome as I work on my portfolio, I'm reminding myself that there will be artists of all levels at this portfolio showcase and I can't compare my beginning to somebody else's middle. Why did I decide to participate? Mainly, to push myself to create an art portfolio, which is necessary if I want to carve a career path as an illustrator. It won't be perfect the first time around, but having this "first draft" of a portfolio will then give me something to continue developing and editing. And I'll never have to do a first portfolio again!

This is the same mentality I had when I decided to launch a YouTube channel last month. After months of toying with the idea, binge-watching YouTube videos, including YouTube videos about making YouTube videos, and then filming a string of them, I decided to just go public with it. I could either a) sit on my content and compare my channel with those that have been running for years or b) get on with it and start the process of getting better with each upload. I went with the second option.

After learning of my struggle, a friend sent me an article about embracing impostor syndrome. In it, writer Kristin Wong explains that this inner turmoil means your ambition is pushing you out of your comfort zone to learn new skills and take on tougher challenges. Naturally, there's a fear of failure and insecurity when you're trying something for the first time. "It helps to think of impostor syndrome as just a catchy way to describe vulnerability — because really, that’s what it is," Wong writes. "And ambition begets vulnerability: Asking for raises, negotiating new job offers, and gunning for promotions are all difficult, uncomfortable things to do. But if you want to make progress, it’s going to feel a little uncomfortable, so you might as well learn to lean into it."

And continuously "lean into it" is what I plan to do in spite of this din of of self-doubt going on in my head. I hope you'll follow along via my artwork on Instagram, my videos about creativity on YouTube, and my writing here on Dry As Toast. They're all part of my balanced artistic diet.

What's on your plate these days? Do you keep a mix of pursuits to stay satisfied? Or are you all in with one focus?

Spring Routine

I’ve stayed away from this spot because a) I hadn’t made much time for personal writing until recently, b) I received judgment from people who read this space before getting to know me, and c) life + health have kept me plenty busy. But spring seems to be the time I come back to space after a hiatus. After Mr. First and I broke up (10 years ago…yikes!), I restarted my young blog in May 2008. I moved out on my own and brought my family and friends through that new phase along with me. When my relationship with A. exploded, I hid for months and was reluctant to reopen what was essentially a digital diary of a five-year-long relationship. In May 2016, I had things I wanted to share again. And now, in the twilight of another significant relationship, I find myself here again.

Since I last wrote:

• I started sharing my illustrations on Instagram and pushing myself much more with my art. The goal of publishing a children’s book/memoir is back on.

• I started a new position as senior editor at Parents magazine’s sister publication Parents Latina. It’s been a wonderful challenge and I’m happy to work alongside people who are as compassionate as they are talented.

• I recently had my exchange surgery…the final step (I hope) in my breast reconstruction after 2016’s mastectomy. The worst of it is over. I promise I’ll follow up on part 2 of the mastectomy blog post.

• I bounced between hopeful and hopeless on the romantic front. I won’t say where I stand now, but in the meantime I’ve been doing what I do best: filling the void with creative pursuits. Journaling, drawing, painting, guitar playing, on, and on.

My sister, who was this blog's first (read: only) reader back in 2007, keeps nudging me to blog again. If you ask me, I think she just misses those nights we'd stay up reading each other's diaries, but I'll take the push where I can get it. Let's see what stories and observations sprout this time.

Image: pixabay.com

Pink

When was the last time you checked in and did something nice for yourself? I suck on that front. I'm quick to do something thoughtful for others and neglect doing something just as kind for myself. "Later," "I don't need to waste the money" and "Too lavish" are just some of the excuses I give myself against stopping and saying, "F it, I'm worth it."

It's Breast Cancer Awareness month and I haven't really taken stock on what I've survived in exactly one year. Two surgeries, including a double mastectomy, with a third to go. Radiation every day for five weeks. Hormonal therapy as monthly injections that will continue for years to come. Osteoporosis from medication that made my joints ache whenever I moved. And a reconstruction process that feels like a pile of bricks on my chest. What don't I deserve again?

The past few weeks have been trying to say the least, a sad mental state compounded by a physical pain that took me out for days. At times it's been overwhelming, but usually I just keep it moving. Again, without taking stock.

I was recently gifted a treat to a spa, which I'd foolishly scheduled for its expiration date right smack in the middle of a crap storm. The last thing I wanted was to be felt up by a stranger who might freak out at my scars or feel the stiff expanders embedded in my sore chest. She was kind though, and I was happy to have a towel covering my eyes so she wouldn't see me tightening them in fear each time her hands crept closer to that area. I still feel damaged.

But I survived. That innocuous 60-minute massage and the past year. To celebrate I bought a small bouquet of flowers. Ramos de flores, you say in Spanish. Pink ones, of course, and I kept those stems clutched tightly in my fist all the way home.

I haven't looked at them since. Later. I just haven't made the time.

{City of Color} Menton, France

Image: pixabay.com

{City of Color} Positano, Italy

Image: pixabay.com

{City of Color} Nyhavn, Denmark

Image: unsplash.com/Nick Karvounis

Animated Short Alive: When Society + Monotony Kill Creativity

A good friend of mine shared this mini film on Facebook weeks ago and it’s stuck with me ever since. Alike is an animated short on what happens when society kills creativity with its standards of success, productivity and “proper adulting.” It starts early on when schools focuse on test scores and passing marks and continues on to the 9-to-5’s and cubicle jobs. Wake up, work, repeat. Education and making money are important, but so are creativity, the arts, music, free writing, expression. Coloring outside the lines! Or within the lines if that’s what makes your heart happy.

How many times haven’t we forgone the chance to pursue creativity or measure success by our own out-of-the-box standards just because someone else has dismissed how much it could nourish our soul? Or because they tease that we’re just goofing around or wasting our life? (Lord knows I’ve felt that way myself.) How many schools haven’t closed down arts programs when funds start to dwindle? Kids need the space to imagine and create without being forced back into the box and adults need the chance to brainstorm and tinker on the job instead of only pushing themselves to complete daily tasks on time. Who knows what innovative things we’d dream up during those opportunities? And how much more nourished would we feel?



Images: vimeo.com

https://vimeo.com/channels/alikeshort

{City of Color} Washington, D.C.

Image: pixabay.com

{City of Color} Wroclaw, Poland

Image: pixabay.com

{Travel} What to Do in Tarrytown, NY

For Fourth of July weekend, I wanted to get away for a bit because I hadn’t been on vacation since the cruise April of last year. While I wanted to leave the whole country behind in search of seas and sand, I ultimately decided to keep things more local. So I chose a town north of New York City, hopped on the Metro-North, and got off at Tarrytown, NY.

The town, though much much smaller than NYC, is full of nice and calm things to do. Would I live there for a stretch? I don’t know, maybe? It definitely has its draws when NYC stress is wearing you out. Regardless, Tarrytown makes for a really nice day trip.

The current issue of Time Out New York has my tips on where to go and what to do while you’re there, but below are a few other spots you should check out that weren’t included in that story.

I saw a sidewalk sign outside Silver Tips Tea announcing it sold $1 lemonade to go and I couldn’t resist. I sat down on a street bench under a tree sipping my juice and watching the people walk by. I liked that this town actually had a pedestrian life with people milling about, popping into shops and eating outdoors.

Yogurt La Crepe, a self serve fro-yo place around the corner offered crêpes so I chose to have lunch here, opting for the imported prosciutto and fresh muzzarella with a mini salad. It wasn’t the best, especially because it wasn’t a true crêpe at all, but rather some type of panini pocket, but it was good enough. Also, I might have been really hungry by this point.

A 10-minute walk from Main Street will take you to Tarrytown Lakes Park, a 72-acre preserve with bike paths, hiking trails, and two lakes. Because its trail head was closer to the road and I didn’t want to venture too deep into unknown territory on my own, I walked toward the smaller lake. A few yards in, I found a clearing right along its shore, sat on a fallen tree trunk and just looked out at the water. All you could hear were birds or leaves rustling in the wind. I wish I could say I was inspired to write or whip out the sketch pad I’d brought along, but nope. A person or two would walk by, some would go, some would stay, but for the most part, that slice of land and water was all mine until I got up and walked away.

I can’t lie, I was still attached to my phone more than I would have liked. I took photos of the lake, messaged friends, sent them photos of this piece of serenity I’d found, and while walking and texting, a deer ran right in front of me! Had I been looking up, I would have seen it coming. Luckily, it stopped just a few feet away to hide and eat behind some bushes. I stood and stared and slowly walking closer to it until it’d had enough and walked deeper into the woods. And what did I do? I immediately text my friends, “A deer just ran right in front of me!”

A search for a comfy seat, air conditioning, a snack and WiFi led me to Coffee Labs Roasters back on Main Street. I enjoyed a hot chocolate—on which the talented barista drew a cute bear!—and did a bit of writing. It was starting to get later and I didn’t want to stay in town until dark. Also, my phone battery was getting low and I also didn’t want to be in town with a dead phone. So I went for my final treat of the day, a scoop of blood orange sorbet at Lighthouse Ice Cream and Coffee right by the Scenic Hudson RiverWalk. I stared out onto the water and the new Tappan Zee Bridge just until the sun set. Then I walked up the road to the Metro-North station and headed back home. It was a good day.